2021, A Tale of Unforgettable Heartbreak

Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash

It's been months since my last post, but there's still a lot going on in between. Of course it's still about the same thing: The worst heartbreak history with myself and with other human beings—how did they come together to destroy me all at once?

But somehow I managed to get through that nightmare chapter very well, even though I officially had to get through it by: Curling up in bed with endless tears and fear, holding on to uncertain hopes; staring at the ceiling in darkness, gripping the pain with scars that can only be felt but not seen; bringing a broken heart and dragging a soulless body into everyday motions, wishing the days would pass quickly.

I have to give her credit, "How amazing it is to survive when the end seems to you?". But what's even more surprising is ... she's finally here: The healing track. And if I could describe her current state, it might be: The cup was empty, and even after months it was still not fully filled—she was holding the half-empty cup now. But isn't it better to be half filled than not to be at all?

***

This is the cycle of life I know after experiencing it myself: You'll find yourself, lose her, and find her again; love yourself, hate her and love her again. I've been through the first and second cycles, and now it's time for me to step into the third cycle.

But it was definitely not an easy path to take when all the love I had was completely gone (love for myself even for others) and there was a huge gaping hole in my heart. I lost the desire to romanticize my life—every love song from the playlist I used to listen to? Love poems that I used to read often? The rom-com movies I used to love to watch? Everything was so sickening, I couldn't believe it anymore. If I can still breathe, oh thank goodness.

Here's the thing, it's as if losing yourself and hating yourself weren't enough so you have to add "a man broke your heart" at the same time. Actually in terms of love/romantic relationship with someone, I wasn't particularly lucky, neither of my love stories went well but the last one was a total disaster (or vice versa I think it was my unfinished first love). In short, when I was one of the lucky ones who used to be able to feel the 'click moment' aka 'fall in love' but it turned out that I was the only one who felt it ... alone ... for a very long time. Honestly it suffocated me at first, but for the first time in forever I felt relieved, because the centuries-old curse of unrequited love was finally broken and I was free now.

And recently, oddly enough, I started to feel it again—a strange yet warm sensation that ran through my heart, a delicate feeling that was no longer aggressive when it came to talking about love. Yes, I can feel that my heart is quite ready to receive love again. Could it be a sign that soon, I'll believe in love again? I'm not sure, but when it comes let's give it a try. And don't blame me as a hopeless romantic if I then run the scenario in my head, "What if after this I finally found 'the one'?" 

The fact that I was able to come up with that scenario was proof that I was on my way to healing. And if I could put L.E. Bowman's words here, it would be:

“Healing wasn't rosemary baths and candles and tea;
it was ugly crying in the shower.
It was finally wrapping my arms around my knees
and admitting defeat.
Healing was no longer trying to hide that my eyes
were always swollen;
it was ignoring the churning of my stomach
and forcing myself to eat.
Healing was going through the everyday motions
until the nights felt shorter.
It was crying and falling and rising and trying
until the walls of an empty house
no longer scared me.”

Because let's be honest, healing is horrible, lovely yet horribly, in whatever form it takes. But once you get there, everything seems possible in the end.

So I guess, I should give a closure for 2021: When I was defeated by life and love, and crushed, and hit rock bottom, it was truly the worst year of my life, or ... could it possibly mean otherwise? That all these heartbreaking things deliberately conspired to clear my path and lead me to the more meaningful encounters that await me, somewhere and someday? ♡